peace, love, and having a mind of your own

i refuse to look at life through the lens of tradition.
i refuse to believe everything i am told.
i refuse to live a life that doesn't promote peace, love, and having a mind of your own.

12 June 2011

for the gentlemen: how to get a girl in 3 steps.

notice that i didn't say three "easy" steps. we're talking about a girl who's really worth it here. and nothing worthwhile will ever just be handed to you, there's this thing called fighting for what you want. if you're only interested in a one-night-stand with a slutbag, please go to your nearest trashy bar and don't bother reading this. [and stay-the-hell away from my friends.] [and also, maybe, try and figure out why you're chasing after ass instead of love, 'cause that's a problem.]

you need to know that i am not a sugar-coater or a fan of pretentious bullsh. [<-- yeah i just made that word up.] i pretty much say exactly what i'm thinking, and sometimes it comes off as harsh. just so we're clear, this is not coming out of a place of anger or frustration. no recent experiences have fueled this post. but if you can't handle the truth, you may need to leave.

without further ado, i present three simple-but-not-easy steps to having a much better chance at scoring a sexy, smart, awesome lady.

1. don't make her the star of your show.
what? girls don't want to be the center of your universe? NO. have your own life. have goals and hobbies and friends and skills. have an interesting existence that someone might want to be a part of. she doesn't want to be your adventure, she wants to be taken on your adventure. 

this is the #1 boyfriend skill* you must acquire: having a personality. we don't want a man who has spent so much time trying to find someone to be with that he hasn't figured out who he wants to be. figure out what you're passionate about, and start doing it. have good stories to tell about cool things you've done. [examples: traveling, near-death experiences, and decent literature that you've actually read.] learn everything you can about being a better man. become the person that you want to be, not what you think anyone else wants.

*other boyfriend skills include being funny & nice, taking showers, and not spending all day playing video games.

2. be honest.
don't ever trick a girl into going on a date with you. don't ask her if she wants to "hang out," unless you really mean just as friends. if it's a date you want, use the word date. it's okay if you want to hang out just as friends before you decide to ask her on a date, just be clear which category you're going for. i can't stress this enough. guys these days are so good at being vague, and it makes a lady feel quite manipulated when she finds out his intentions were not what she thought.

learn how to give a compliment. don't beat around the bush with vague text-flirting and smiley faces on her facebook photos. that's cute, but not as a substitute for the real thing. bring flowers to her front door. look her in the eyes and tell her she's absolutely gorgeous, or whatever it is that you're actually thinking about her. then, if it's my door, don't bring flowers to it, because it's what i told you to do. do something you thought of yourself. [although flowers to the door is seriously always good. haven't you seen Big Fish?]

being honest requires taking responsibility for your feelings and intentions. it involves risk, and yes, that's scary. but if you're not willing to own your feelings, then we're wondering, in what other ways are you copping out? man up and risk the rejection of getting shot down.

3. don't whine.
so let's say you've asked out the girl of your dreams, and she shot you down.* now what? are you gonna cry in front of her and beg her to change her mind and tell her your life is incomplete without her? nothing will make her run away faster. clearly, you haven't proven yourself worthy of her time, and i guarantee crying about it is not going to help. *note: this also applies to when she breaks up with you.

re-evaluate your approach. go home and work on your boyfriend skills [see step #1] and come back when you have something better to offer her. maybe you just need to work on your presentation. if you feel you've already presented her a genuine offering of everything you will ever be able to give her, and she still ain't havin' it, then, my friend, it's time to move on. don't waste your life agonizing over a girl who will never be into you. she obviously doesn't know a good thing when she sees one.

like i said, these steps are gonna take some effort. but a gentleman is okay with working hard. he pursues his dreams with tenacity, and fights for what he believes in. he is brave enough to say what he means, and humble enough to admit when he is wrong. he is genuinely kind and knows the art of sincerity. he wins with humility and loses with grace. a gentleman's worth is not found in a woman, and he won't look for it there.

to peace, love, and gentlemen.


  1. thanks for sharing, keturah! you've probably saved some poor guy a lot of grief with this article! lots of good, common sense here!

  2. Gentlemen don't exist anymore and that has mostly to do with women these days. Women are too cruel and independent. Not saying you have to be dependent but it's in their nature to want to be the man. Too many women won't let them do that. Feminism has ruined gentlemen and courtship and the whole nine. . . But some good advice overall. I just feel like us women have all the power we just don't know how to use it. well some of us. . .

  3. @george- thanks again for your positive comments!

    @brooke- i totally agree that women have the power to change a lot. and that "we" have kind of emasculated the gentleman. you can't address every problem all at once, though, so i picked the one i saw most clearly. gotta start somewhere! thanks for reading :)

  4. um love this one!! Reposting it for sure!! love you girl. skype date soonish?! I miss you. kp.

  5. I know I always post a comment but your blogs blow me away!

    1) Point number One is exactly what Eldridge says in Wild at Heart.

    2) Point number two has some good challenges for me as I walk into the future.

    And lastly that last paragraph is a beautiful quote and deserves to be famous......

  6. Oh and one more thing......i have talked to some fellas and we think number 1 is a problem for some ladies as well.

    If your seeking a guy more then Jesus or even if its 50/50 - we can tell and it's not attractive.

    A woman passionately seeking Jesus Christ with all that she has, head over heels in love with Him and me always coming in a distant second........That's SEXY.

  7. @kp- love you too!!

    @Nate- i LOVE that you always comment! please don't stop. i actually read Wild at Heart. [i know it's for guys, but, whatever, i liked it.] probably had something to do with hearing you talk about it so much. and YES girls are just as guilty [if not more often] of making "getting a guy" their number 1 priority in life. ew. also, point #2 scares the crap out of me because if a guy is gonna be that honest, it requires honesty in return.

  8. I freaking loved this! im currently reading wild at heart right now and i love it as well. you are awesome. miss you a ton. ;)

  9. @michelle- miss you TOO, you amazing lady! i loved that book haha.

  10. I love this.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    See I love how you started by saying not only am I not saying this is 3 easy steps I am also sharing 3 steps to get te girls that are worth getting. I love that.

    I would get frustrated that girls would go after guys who were losers. I never understood why they wouldn't go after good guys. then i realized that I was doing the exact same thing. That I was that guy that was looking at girls that i shouldn't be going after. I have realized the girls that are worth pursuing.

    Everyday I try and continue to develop myself and my identity in God. And everyday I pray that the women of my dreams is doing the same.

    Thanks for sharing.

  11. Amen -- seriously I am a huge fan of men actually acting like men. As a single guy, I should write a post for women about how to respond to men when they are acting as they should.

    I find it funny that there is such a broken system here. Guys not doing these things that you said, has created a culture where women arent acting as they should.

    So sometimes, when a man acts like a man, a woman doesn't know how to respond.

    Lord help us all. Great stuff. For real. I love it, and am passionate to see my friends and me be like this more often.

  12. I started off being friends with my wife... just really good friends...

    The safety of friendship allowed us to be ourselves, not play games etc.

    Strange... we were friends for a month, dated for 3 months, engaged for five weeks... super happy...

    So starting with friendship may be the fastest way to progress?

    Just saying


  13. @Kyle- this was as much a kick-in-the-pants for the ladies to realize they are WORTH a guy who treats them that way- and to start acting like it. thanks for picking up on that :)

    @Darrell- PLEASE write that post!!!

    @Geoff- that's beautiful. everyone's story is different, the most important thing is to go after your own heart and disregard any advice that doesn't resonate with your spirit. including advice found on random blogs ;-)

  14. being 18, and first diving into the "real" dating scene, this really spoke to me. As some of my friends are rushing into marriage, or pursuing futile things, this states the importance it is to know what you want. I think women should read this blog as well, and notice that you SHOULD still expect these things, and by lowering our expectations, we're killing chivalry ourselves. thanks!

  15. @Rissa- so true! i hope women do read this. i wrote it as much for myself as i did for any guy.... and, as someone ho got married at 18, i'm glad you're thinking clearly enough to know how silly that idea is for most 18-year-olds ;-)