peace, love, and having a mind of your own


















i refuse to look at life through the lens of tradition.
i refuse to believe everything i am told.
i refuse to live a life that doesn't promote peace, love, and having a mind of your own.

22 April 2011

you can make a dead man scream.

sometimes i fall and it takes me a good month to get back up.
and when i get up, it’s usually really high, like top-of-the-world status.
and when i fall again, it’s depths-of-hell status. [or at least that’s how it feels.]

last night, i ate 3 pieces of pizza, followed by a yogurt, some applesauce, and half a pear. then my parents invited me to go the gym with them, and i declined. not exactly ideal for my current health goals. i felt so guilty about my little binge that i decided to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes. you know, just to put a cherry on top.

normally when i find myself at this point [ready to fall of the wagon and go on an all-out bender including eating and drinking whatever i want, chain-smoking, and avoiding the gym and God at all costs], i jump wholeheartedly into the abyss, and skydive my way into a cycle of guilt and unhealthy decisions.

recently i decided to read through my journal. the one i've been keeping since the beginning of this year. we’re only four and a half months in, and ive noticed this is a trend. a few weeks of the aforementioned guilt-cycle followed by periods of spiritual, physical and emotional health, where i strive after holiness, pray every morning, do yoga and get at least 20 minutes of vitamin D-producing sunshine a day.

maybe i need medication. [nope, not going that way.] maybe i just need to try harder. maybe i need to move to a new city, make new friends, find a new hobby, join a new church. maybe i need to give up and resign myself to the rollercoaster life.

or… maybe i just need to forgive myself and move on.

this morning in my blog-browsing i stumbled upon a post called “never let a bad day turn into two.” basically, the idea is, we all mess up and go on little vice-binges, and the next day we have a choice. do we continue to let the previous day’s mistakes lead us on a path of self-annihilation, or do we press delete and start again?

this morning, i am pressing delete and starting again. i am rejecting guilt over last night’s mistakes, forgiving myself for being imperfect, and starting fresh.

coincidentally, today is Good Friday. the day we commemorate Jesus taking all our shit to hell for us and saying we don’t have to worry about it anymore. i’ve called myself a Christ-follower for a while now, but ive continued to carry my own garbage bag and i’ve been smelling the rotting mistakes of my past for too long. i’ve put grace and guilt in the same sentence like they were best friends, but the truth is, they cannot co-exist. you can carry only one or the other.

coincidentally times two, it’s also Earth Day, and i’m going to start composting. the great thing about composting is, you take your scraps and food-waste that you would normally throw away, and instead of putting them in a landfill, you make soil out of them. soil, which you can then use to grow flowers and tomatoes and other great plants. it’s amazing!

now, to tie it all in with a very cheesy metaphor… if you put your trash [mistakes, guilt, binges, etc.] in the landfill of your own memory, they just sit there and rot and stink and take up space in your mind. but if you give them to Jesus, he’s like a compost bin, where he takes your crap and turns it into something awesome. as the word o’ the Lord says, he makes all things work out for the good of those who love him. all things, including all those times you royally screwed yourself. he says he makes em into this good soil where you can grow a healthy and beautiful life.

so, i invite you to join me this morning, in “pressing delete” on your guilt, starting fresh, and enjoying this beautiful Good Earth Friday.

peace, love, and composting.

7 comments:

  1. hi, ketura-
    thanks for sharing! i think this is where romans 8:1 comes in: we are not condemned in Christ. also, on this easter weekend, it's good to remember that we are risen with Christ, and are to "...seek those things that are above...where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God"(Colossians 3:1). keep blogging!

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  2. Love it and love you...sometimes we're lured into thinking that once we do this inner cleansing thing that we're done...but like composting, we generate bits of waste, leftovers, scraps, and dust on the feet daily...and if we let it build - it's not pretty - BUT thanks to our BIG God, nothing's too big, dirty, or smelly that He can't turn it into a productive element in our life! Thanks for using your writing gift to show us that we can make something beautiful out of the common stuff we all are wrestling with.

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  3. Love the analogy Sis.

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  4. That was great. Thank you for the last two paragraphs. Pressing delete now :)

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  5. Keet . . . today is your birthday and I have been praying for you tons today . . . What I feel the Lord wants to say to you today is this . . . "I have created you for so much more. Do not let Satan tempt you to worry, to guilt, to doubt. Simple faith is the key to opening my Kingdom that lives in you, that I created in your heart and soul so 24 years ago today. Leave all in my hands. The weight of sin is never yours to carry. I have already carried them for you. Your body is my temple. I can take care of it better than you can, just please come to me, sit with me, soak in my presence, then and only then, move. Move with me towards health, towards wellness, towards LIFE. Have simple faith, trusting that I am leading you. I am most delighted when you are worshipping me. Above all, sit in the filled silence of my Presence and worship. I will meet you. There you will find life. Remember I have created you for so much more than to carry the weight of this world, the opinions of this world. Trade them for what I say about you: You are chosen. You are beloved. You are redeemed. You are kept. You are made for wonderful purpose. Celebrate all that I have constructed in Keturah Weathers. . . my fragrant offering of worship. Worship. Worship. Worship. . . and find life. I love you."
    -God.

    and I love you too. i miss you tons. happy birthday.
    kp.

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  6. Hey! Thanks for the post you left on my blog a month or two ago.
    I have a little (it's almost like a ritual) thing I tell myself every morning:
    You can either wake up and say "Good Morning, Lord!" or "GOOD LORD, It's MORNING." - That will set the tone for your day.
    Each day is a gift and should be treasured likewise. Do not let tomorrow use up too much of today.

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  7. I love this. I really really love this. I'm glad I found your link in my email. I just read your entire blog content, no big deal. It's cool how God uses words and honesty to get other people's attention. So, thank you

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