peace, love, and having a mind of your own

i refuse to look at life through the lens of tradition.
i refuse to believe everything i am told.
i refuse to live a life that doesn't promote peace, love, and having a mind of your own.

22 April 2011

you can make a dead man scream.

sometimes i fall and it takes me a good month to get back up.
and when i get up, it’s usually really high, like top-of-the-world status.
and when i fall again, it’s depths-of-hell status. [or at least that’s how it feels.]

last night, i ate 3 pieces of pizza, followed by a yogurt, some applesauce, and half a pear. then my parents invited me to go the gym with them, and i declined. not exactly ideal for my current health goals. i felt so guilty about my little binge that i decided to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes. you know, just to put a cherry on top.

normally when i find myself at this point [ready to fall of the wagon and go on an all-out bender including eating and drinking whatever i want, chain-smoking, and avoiding the gym and God at all costs], i jump wholeheartedly into the abyss, and skydive my way into a cycle of guilt and unhealthy decisions.

recently i decided to read through my journal. the one i've been keeping since the beginning of this year. we’re only four and a half months in, and ive noticed this is a trend. a few weeks of the aforementioned guilt-cycle followed by periods of spiritual, physical and emotional health, where i strive after holiness, pray every morning, do yoga and get at least 20 minutes of vitamin D-producing sunshine a day.

maybe i need medication. [nope, not going that way.] maybe i just need to try harder. maybe i need to move to a new city, make new friends, find a new hobby, join a new church. maybe i need to give up and resign myself to the rollercoaster life.

or… maybe i just need to forgive myself and move on.

this morning in my blog-browsing i stumbled upon a post called “never let a bad day turn into two.” basically, the idea is, we all mess up and go on little vice-binges, and the next day we have a choice. do we continue to let the previous day’s mistakes lead us on a path of self-annihilation, or do we press delete and start again?

this morning, i am pressing delete and starting again. i am rejecting guilt over last night’s mistakes, forgiving myself for being imperfect, and starting fresh.

coincidentally, today is Good Friday. the day we commemorate Jesus taking all our shit to hell for us and saying we don’t have to worry about it anymore. i’ve called myself a Christ-follower for a while now, but ive continued to carry my own garbage bag and i’ve been smelling the rotting mistakes of my past for too long. i’ve put grace and guilt in the same sentence like they were best friends, but the truth is, they cannot co-exist. you can carry only one or the other.

coincidentally times two, it’s also Earth Day, and i’m going to start composting. the great thing about composting is, you take your scraps and food-waste that you would normally throw away, and instead of putting them in a landfill, you make soil out of them. soil, which you can then use to grow flowers and tomatoes and other great plants. it’s amazing!

now, to tie it all in with a very cheesy metaphor… if you put your trash [mistakes, guilt, binges, etc.] in the landfill of your own memory, they just sit there and rot and stink and take up space in your mind. but if you give them to Jesus, he’s like a compost bin, where he takes your crap and turns it into something awesome. as the word o’ the Lord says, he makes all things work out for the good of those who love him. all things, including all those times you royally screwed yourself. he says he makes em into this good soil where you can grow a healthy and beautiful life.

so, i invite you to join me this morning, in “pressing delete” on your guilt, starting fresh, and enjoying this beautiful Good Earth Friday.

peace, love, and composting.

12 April 2011

unexcused absence.

hello world. i don't know how you've survived the last three-and-a-half weeks without me, but somehow you did it. the good news is, i'm back.

long story short, i spent some time in Nashville and Atlanta visiting old friends, and intentionally left the laptop at home in order to improve the quality of my face time with those dear ones. this silly blog is far less important than real live relationships, yeah?

friends i haven't seen in YEARS <3

so the trip was eventful; mostly in an amazing way. last minute road trips, coffee shop conversations, song-writing, dive bars, arrests [not so amazing, but made for a good story], new tattoos, hammocks, bike rides, and one very passionate musical performance -complete with a climactic showdown- to end the adventure with a BANG. it was perfect.

in other news, i've started a new job doing design and communications work for a church. it's a pretty sweet gig. i get my own office, i can wear jeans and play on my Macbook all day, and i have some really cool co-workers, including my extraordinary mother, whose birthday is today. check out this cake i made her.

her favorite: yellow cake with fluffy whipped chocolate frosting.

you're worth every layer, mom ;-)

made from scratch with organic/healthy substitutions.

in case you can't tell, i'm really proud of my cake. i've never made anything from scratch, and it turned out ridiculously tasty and perfect, so let me have my moment, okay?


if you're into reading, i just received a complimentary copy of Crabgrass and Oaktrees by Jonathan Almanzar and Aaron Havens. the deal is i'm gonna be reviewing it on my blog once i've read it. if you know me, you know i don't often do things the typical way, so expect a thought-provoking, honest evaluation of this up-and-coming book. i don't even wanna call it a "book review" because it's not gonna be boring like in 6th grade when you turned in an MLA-formatted cliff-notes rip-off for every book you were supposed to have read.

for your viewing pleasure

one more thing. i've been mildly obsessed with this song ever since i heard it on .o hallelujah.'s blog about a month ago. i find myself singing it to my dog when i'm home alone, and as you can imagine, my voice sounds exactly like the female version of his: folky and soulful and shaky in all the right places. enjoy the lyrics, especially if life's cruel demands and fool's gold have crushed your little soul, too.

peace, love, and 9-layer birthday cakes!